The Comeback Speech
Who am I kidding? I don’t have a comeback speech. My last post was quite depressing, I know that, and hopeful all the same. I can honestly say that I was hoping for an AHA! moment. I was looking for God to strike me on the head with such force that it would send my negative thoughts hurtling into the peppy neighbor next door. I was looking for a sign. A sign from God, mother nature, someone to say “Amanda, chillax-it will happen. You are stronger because of this loss. You will have a family one day. Get a grip.” Not that I think that God would use the word “chillax” but a girl can dream, right?
I wanted to use the time away to heal but I don’t think that time really was/is my answer. Yes, I believe that with time you may be able to accept and understand better. I do believe that, however, being in the moment, the right now of it all is the most true healing. Knowing that this day, today, is a gift and I can choose to use this day to be kind, to work hard, to share my love and appreciation with family & friends or I can choose to not talk, to be sad, and to ignore all of you. How rude is that? Stepping away from my blog was not helpful. I heal because I share my honesty with you and along with that comes my pain, my sarcasm, and a few genius quotes.
Now with that being said, don’t think that I have moved on and am going to conquer the world (it’s too late to run for President). I still cry, a lot. It’s like my eyes leak constantly without rhyme or reason. I see the American Family Insurance commercial and cry. I read facebook posts of other pregnant people (why so many??!!) and hesitate (a very LONG hesitation) before “liking” their post. I cry in the shower. I can hardly make it through Modern Family because of Gloria’s pregnancy (ridiculous right?) and it is hilarious! I tear up at Wal-Mart because of all of the pregnant woman, the kids, and the babies. Here’s the thing, it’s okay. I get choked up and I’m going to get choked up but that is part of healing. It’s not about moving on. It’s about knowing what happened, knowing that it sucked, and knowing that I am okay.
I do want to share with you some things that I’ve done over the past 2 weeks that have helped me in their own ways:
- I got an American Express card. It was the temptation of 30,000 Delta Skymiles, I guess, but I don’t need more miles. I travel for a living. I don’t know what it was about signing up for that card, getting it in the mail, and putting it in my wallet but it made me feel better. Like I’m part of a cool club or something. A cool club of high interest rates. 🙂
- I read a book. “6 versus that can change your life” by Joe Barnett. It was a gift from my Mamaw. I’m not a big religious book reader but within reading the first few sentences of the book, I was hooked. Joe provides stories, real stories, of heartbreak, joy, and life and applies a biblical response to each of them. This book provided me with insight, humility, laughter, and a greater understanding of “Why”. Meaning, I’m wasting my time trying to find answers to why this happened to us. Why it happened when it did? Why? Why? Why? It’s all part of a bigger plan and I may never know why but if I keep asking those questions, I will keep burying myself further and further. Good book, read it.
- I bought skinny jeans. No lie. I don’t “do” skinny jeans. I’ve never tucked my pants into my boots and worked THAT fashion statement. Not me. Not ever. Until now. It felt refreshing to try something new and even with my Beyonce-esque backside, I still feel good in my new outfit.
- I bought Lean Pocket pizza pockets. I don’t know why. They sounded good and it was easy. I rationalized it by telling myself that if this was the worst food slip up that I’ve done, I’m okay. Don’t judge.
- I took my work stuff and parked it upstairs on the main floor. My office is currently down in the basement with 1 window. This is not permanent by any means because I strongly believe that it causes me to work less hard because I get distracted by my cat (she’s sick) who lays on my lap but it is nice to have sunlight, many windows, and a sweet kitty.
- I run without my run keeper, without my watch, and without my IPOD. I haven’t run more than 3 miles at any given time and I walk here and there (because I take my dog, Sonny, and she has to smell every single mailbox, child, & blade of grass there is!). I definitely wouldn’t say that it is keeping my heart rate up but it is so peaceful to just run with the dog.
- I bought a 12 pack of Fresca. Why? Much like the Lean Pockets, I have no idea but something about that cold, crisp drink made my heart happy so I drank all 12. Come on, not all at one time!
I am far from my normal exercise regime but I’ll get back into the grind of things soon. I haven’t derailed with eating clean, except for my Lean Pockets/Fresca and the occasional cheese (why is cheese so flippin’ good??!), but I need to get back to my routine. I made some homemade protein bars today, roasted some veggies, and made some turkey meatballs so I’m getting there.
I am so very thankful for you all. For sticking around, for letting me take my “me” time, and for letting me share this with you. I’ve got a tough road ahead of me still but I know that you’re right there beside me. Fighting your own battles, finding your own way down the tough road (minus some major pot holes!) but I have no doubt that we will make it. Why? Because we’re strong. We’re beautiful. We’re fighters.
Eat clean, pump some iron, and be a Fit Fox!